Sometimes I dream barnacle dreams,
and sleep uneasily on my back, nerves insisting
that I should be stuck to damp wood,
though I've never pressed my skin
against a ship's hull. Nerves insisting
that my mouth is vestigial
and full of hallucinated saltwater,
which spills through clenched teeth,
leaves my lower lip beaded
with phantom trails, leaves my face sticky
with crystals of thirst.
Dreams like this, I
can see how we conceived of re-
incarnation.
But if this is an afterlife,
it's a hell.
(How I hate having a shell).
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Helpful Mchelpfulpants -
I was underwhelmed by the ending. If it's meant to be lighthearted, and I think it probably is, then that's not really an issue. If it isn't, I would suggest ending the poem at "implausible thirst"—that's a strong line. I suppose you can work in some of what follows back into the poem if you want, but it doesn't add anything to my reading.
You have some solid imagery here with which to work. Hannah is right that the enjambment of the last four lines of the first strophe is off; along with her suggestion, you should consider axing "hallucinated," as it doesn't really add anything to "saltwater" and we already know this is a dream.
[As an aside, in my own dreams, water has always turned to static; I'm not sure what that means, but that's something of the image I have here: static, with the noise made on TV, can sound like carbonation, which certainly CAN leave one quite thirsty...]
Overall, some nice work.
Take care,
Brad
I. Little Things
This is entirely up to you, and maybe you had a strong reason for putting 'though' on a different line (other than for more enjambment), but I think it works better with the 'I've never even' line. The other breaks I can see how they work, but this one seems out of place. The rest of the breaks come at places where it's still rather fluid. This is the only one that sticks out. Then again, maybe this is the place you wanted to stick out the most, but I don't see anything too important about this message. If you wanted to use a very awkward break, use it somewhere where the message needs to get across and maybe wouldn't otherwise. Is that place here? -shrugs- Very much up to you.
However, that whole bit of imagery about the hallucinated seawater is brilliant, gritty, but it still has that freshness that sea water will always bring with it -- a tang of salt. ^___^ Ah, love it~
I don't like the use of the word 'implausible' here. It seems too vague, where you could put in another adjective about the sea that would be a lot more necessary. Something salty, please. <3
II. Overall
I think this is a brilliant poem, really. It gets the message across the first time, at least the first layer, and is open, then, to going back and digging through these well-chosen words again. I don't know if you are completely aware of every single break you make (because I know that sometimes I'm not and should be), but this can be close to perfection if you make every decision with purpose!
<3 <3 <3 Love love love <3 <3 <3
Hi helpful! June here!
I really, really like this poem. Poems that pertain to nature/animals are my favorite.
The only things that I would point out is the close repetition of words, but this is the sort of poem that can live up to repetition and handle it effectively.
I'm not sure what kind of animal this is, though. I'm thinking a snail, but it can be any type of shelled-mollusk. At any rate, this is an adorable and cute poem, definitely a favorite of mine.
Keep up the nice work, dear.
Juniper